My brain is broken.
At least I thought I was broken but then I read this and felt better. Which actually means I am broken but I’m not the only one. I shared a snippet of that article in my Instagram stories and received a half-dozen messages from friends re-iterating the same thing: “My brain is broken, too.” “I feel this on a deep level.” “This is everything.” And lots of “100” emoji. I mean, I guess that’s comforting.
I mix up words that sound sort of similar but totally aren’t (Like “bacon” for “band-aid”. I…don’t know.) and have a hard time focusing on…anything. I also have no appetite which feels like my body has forgotten even how to eat and have become one of those annoying people who say things like, “I forgot to eat lunch.” And then makes a smoothie as if that’s a replacement for solid food that you chew.
I thought my brain would be better once the kids were in school but it’s not. In fact, it feels worse. It’s actually probably the same as before, it’s just that I have the time and space to try to focus now which only shows me how much I can’t. My brain is so used to interruptions it can’t handle long stretches of undisturbed time. Please hear me when I say that I am SO GLAD the kids are back in school. And also my brain forgot what it’s supposed to do when it has longer than 2.5 minutes to concentrate on any given task.
Maybe it’s like that saying around postpartum bodies, where it takes nine months for your body to stretch and grow a human so you need to give yourself (at least) nine months to get back to some sort of normalcy? We’ve been in this pandemic for nearly a year, so it stands to reason that it will take at least a year for our brains and bodies to get back to their pre-pandemic selves.
Also, we’re still in it. It’s absurd to think my brain would work like capital-b Before when, despite my kids being back in school, we’re still in the thick of a global pandemic. I still need to make sure we have clean masks, school could be disrupted at any time, and our summer plans remain somewhat up in the air.
I’m trying to give myself a break, trying to go against that clanging gong of society that beats a steady cadence of “Produce! Produce! Produce!” I need more—and longer—breaks to accomplish even simple tasks. I’m preaching to myself here when I say maybe that’s not a bad thing.
+++++
Take Action
I was made aware this week by Anti-Racism Daily that there is an anti-trans bill making its way through my own state legislature. This bill seeks to ban those assigned male at birth from participating in girl’s and women’s school athletic programs. I encourage you to read the link above; it does greater justice to the issue than I can here. In fact, there are more than a dozen states with some version of this bill. Using thinly-veiled transphobic language, these bills do enormous harm to transgender youth, a population who is already stigmatized in society. Furthermore, we know how beneficial organized athletics are to all children’s physical health and mental well-being, and even more so for transgender youth. The thought of banning any child from being able to fully participate in school sports is nothing less than shameful.
I emailed my state house representative, urging her to stand against her Republican colleagues who authored this bill and received the most wonderful response. I urge you to do the same—particularly if your state is one of the many on this list. You can find your own state representative here.
+++++
Around the Internet
I am always and forever a Glennon Doyle stan.
This whole piece, but this line sums up every parent sending their kid back to school right now: “When she returns to school on March 1, I will be terrified. And thrilled.”
For anyone else who feels like the news around vaccines and normalcy are grimmer than they need to be.
+++++
Eating
I made these baked onion rings on Super Bowl Sunday and while they were a little time-consuming, they were also super yummy. A few notes: soak your sliced onions while you prep everything else (a quick soak helps the flour stick better). Also, put your flour and panko ingredients in (separate) plastic bags—then you can toss the onions in and just shake them all up to coat. And last I threw my own spices in, not the spice mix she listed. Roughly a 1/2 teaspoon each of onion powder, garlic powder, paprika, salt, and pepper.
This cupcake recipe is everything. I made them for the kids’ birthdays but now I think I need to make them for no reason whatsoever because they’re that good. Also because I have what I think is scientifically known as a “crapton” of sprinkles left. (And because I can’t not give notes: I used regular whole milk, regular cream cheese, and canola oil.)
+++++
Fun Things
This headband is my new favorite accessory.
We’ve been having some epic Uno Flip battles as a family. I don’t consider myself much of a games person but I will play this all day long. Since there’s no reading, (unlike another of our favorite games, Apples to Apples Jr.) even Nolan can join in since it’s mostly matching up colors and numbers/symbols.
Speaking of those cupcakes above we celebrated some birthdays around here! I can’t let this section pass by without saying we now have two seven-year-olds and a five-year-old in this house. We celebrated COVID-style by visiting an outdoor ice maze, meeting some friends at a nearby sledding hill, and a small birthday drive-by. Since all three birthdays are at the exact same time (only two days apart), my house was still destroyed from making six-dozen cupcakes to pass out and all. the. gifts. they still received. At one point our living room was ankle-deep in assorted wrapping materials and presents. By now I’ve learned that party or not, I need a solid week to put my house back together at the end of February.
+++++
Despite everything, the weather has been saving me. My brain might be broken but at least the sun is out and the snow is melting which all puts a smile on my face. Also, someone spontaneously paid for my breakfast on Wednesday and it made my week. Two weeks ago I was unsure if the subzero temperatures we were experiencing would ever break and now here, on this side, it looks like we could be in store for an early spring. Spring is just exactly what we need right now. And while I’d love to wrap this up with something profound, what I’ve mostly been thinking lately is some version of this:
Doesn’t add up at all.