It was the end of the bedtime marathon and I was ready to take my victory lap. My youngest was asleep, or nearly so, in his room. I’d changed his diaper, put on his jammies, read the requisite three books, sang a song, and rocked him almost to sleep before turning on the sound machine and turning out the light. Then, I’d moved on to the twins' room, across the hall, as they changed into their pajamas before I read their books and tucked their blankets in tight.
When I was done, I walked out of their room and took a seat on the top step. I collapsed there, really, leaning against the banister in the dark of the early evening. It had been a long day, the kind of day where sitting feels like its own special sort of treat. A moment later, my oldest son emerged from his room and tiptoed to the bathroom. He went potty as I sat there in the dark, the light from the bathroom partially illuminating the hallway, wondering if he saw me. He finished and turned the bathroom light off.
“Mommy,” he asked, as he crept back to his bedroom (Busted, I thought.), “Can you stay upstairs with me?”
“Why?” I asked with a tired sigh. This was an unusual request from him.
“Because,” he replied simply, “I want you to.”
+++++
This night was over two years ago. His response struck me immediately - I typed a note in my phone as I sat in the dark of his room, just like he asked me to, to remind myself what he had said. How often do I do something simply because they want me to? How often do I do something simply because I want to?
Too often, I feel the need to justify my actions. I make dinner because we need to eat and fold laundry because we need clean clothes where we can find them and write an essay because I have a deadline. I read this book because it’s due back at the library and bake muffins to teach my kids about cooking and walk around the park because it’s good for my body to move and eat a snack so my blood sugar doesn’t dip to the level of hangry. I feel as though my actions need a purpose, a reason: See? Look at what I am doing and why I am doing it!
It’s difficult for me to do something “just” because. If it’s not productive or required, it feels all too easy for me to write off.
But I’ve been thinking about that “because I want you to” comment off-and-on for the past couple of years. I think there’s a reason it’s stuck with me, without even having to refer to the note on my phone. I think he’s onto something.
Read more over on the Twin Cities Mom Collective.