Life Lately

As I type this, I’m enjoying my one free morning a week without any children. It seems amazing to me that earlier this year—this freaking year—I had three such mornings a week.

When this is published, we’ll be entering our third week of school. It’s going as well as it can. We are again having an overall good experience with the distance learning portion of our school week. (Quick refresh: M-W=distance learning, Th-F=in person. Nolan attends Pre-K MWF mornings.)

Really, everything is both fine and not at all fine at the same time. Even having an overall good experience isn’t good enough. Caden and Brooklyn still need help logging in, properly following links, fixing glitchy videos, submitting assignments, etc. I get small chunks of time to work—5 minutes here, 3 minutes there, last week they had a 9-minute math lesson that felt like the holy grail—before they have another question. This isn’t their fault. It’s not their teacher’s fault. Everyone is doing the best we can with what we’ve been given.

But what we’ve been given is crap. Things shouldn’t have to be this way. They shouldn’t be attending a Monday morning Zoom call with their teacher, they should physically be in the classroom with their teacher. If I get another well-intentioned email from a company asking “need help with at-home learning?” in the subject line, I will punch it in the face. No, I don’t need help with at-home learning. I need help getting these kids back in school. That’s where they want to be. That’s where I want them to be. But I also don’t want that at all right now. Not until it’s as safe as possible.

This is a total and complete systemic failure from the top. I’m grateful for my state and local leadership and I know that not everyone can say that. Not everyone’s governors/school boards/superintendents/etc. have taken appropriate measures. Here in MN, we’re surrounded by states (Wisconsin, North and South Dakota, Iowa) which are seeing some of the highest rises in cases per capita in the entire country. It’s unsettling. This was preventable. It’s not okay.

Also: it is okay. For my family specifically. We have the technology and the time and the space. We have more time together, which is its own kind of wonderful (except for when it’s terrible). It’s everything all at the exact same time.

Phew. Apparently the Enneagram One in me needed to get that off my chest. This wasn’t what I set out to write here today. But it’s where I am. It’s where so many of us are.

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Take Action

There are two women who have been on my mind. The first is Breonna Taylor. The justice system has failed her in a total and complete systemic way. It’s hard to argue with the outcome because of the way the law is written. And make no mistake, the laws are designed this way. Yet even Kentucky’s Attorney General acknowledged that “sometimes the criminal law is not adequate to respond to a tragedy.” This is unacceptable. A woman is dead and the only officer charged was one who foolishly shot at walls and windows—not the ones who took a human life. (As, I should note, he absolutely should be.)

The other woman on my mind is the Notorious RBG. Hearing about her death a week and a half ago was like a punch to the gut. I can attest to the accuracy of this article by reporting that I had no less than three separate text threads going that were some version of us saying “fuck” on repeat. Her loss is heartbreaking, all the more so because of the actions almost immediately following her death by the Republican-held Senate. The grief at the loss of Ruth Bader Ginsburg has so quickly turned to action. I admittedly feel so helpless—this is almost entirely out of my control as an average citizen. I went on a donation after her death to help—in as tangible a way as I could—flip some Senate seats.

• I highly recommend reading her obituary from the New York Times. And also this piece about her collars.

• If you’d also like to donate, I recommend doing so with an organization such as ActBlue or Swing Left: both help distribute donations to Democratic candidates where they will be most effective.

• And, to honor the lives of both of these women, make sure you’re registered to vote!

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Around the Internet

• Who knew that reading about the world of competitive porridge making could be such a delight?

• In case you haven’t yet read this piece by Jesmyn Ward on the loss of her husband to COVID-19.

• On practical steps to help mentally prepare for winter. Everything from finding a face mask stye that suits you to getting a flu shot to finding small things to bring you joy.

• “The life you thought you were going to have is gone.”

• Mom-shaming during a pandemic. “This is being presented to us like we have choices when most of us really don’t…And when you don’t have a choice, it’s really easy to lash out at someone who seems like they did.”

• A Prayer For Those Who Are Angry

• This entire post from Pantsuit Politics is a 2020 mood.

• And if you haven’t been following along with the saga of Stephanie/Tanqueray…what have you been doing with your life?

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Eating

• The absolute best macaroni and cheese recipe. It’s one of Tyson’s favorites, so I made it for his birthday last week. Do yourself a favor and use smoked cheddar.

• Speaking of, this is my go-to birthday cake recipe. I usually have all the ingredients on hand and it comes together quickly—perfect when little hands want to help with baking.

• And speaking of cake, and Smitten Kitchen cakes, specifically, this is one of the first fall recipes I make every single year.

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Fun Things

• I spend so much time in my car these days. Not necessarily driving, but literally sitting there while the kids have activities (waiting areas now being closed due to COVID). I have a combined four hours a week to wait in the car. To be honest: I don’t hate it. I bring a book or some knitting and a podcast and it’s actually pretty amazing. (Said every introvert everywhere.). I also bought this car charger so I can write on my laptop (whose battery is completely shot, hence the need for the car charger) and it works like a charm.

• As for knitting, I (sort of) mastered seed stitch, and am now working on this cowl for myself with this verrrryyyyyy soft and cozy yarn.

• I’ve been thinking ahead to winter and decided to get tall winter boots for myself. My current pair is ankle height, which isn’t great when we go sledding or play in deep snow. I ordered these in a girl’s size 5. My usual size is a women’s 6/6.5: I literally saved $100 by ordering the girl’s version! It’s worth looking into if you’re a fellow small-foot person—several brands make shoes that are identical in both adults and kids sizes but charge more for the adult version.

• We got our family photos back and I’m obsessed with them. * insert heart eyes emoji here *

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Well, hopefully ending with a list of Fun Things makes up for the rant at the beginning. Except, if my text threads are any indication, I’m certain many of you are feeling the exact same way. We’re trying to balance a near-constant rage with the realities of laundry, deadlines, distance learning, and also avoiding stepping on LEGOs. I’m balancing the Big Ideas that are social justice and politics with the real life of spilled milk and bedtime routines right in front of me. We’re holding all these emotions and tensions and tasks and trying to balance them all at the same time. It’s an impossible, necessary, universal ask. Carry on, warriors. I’m here with a cup of coffee and ALLLLL the solidarity.

Read, Watched, Listened

I love reading just about everything (okay, you won't see any mystery or sci-fi picks on here), watching things that make me think and especially if they make me laugh, and wholeheartedly embrace the podcast. I also enjoy hearing about what other people are reading, watching, and listening. Here's my two cents worth.

READ (Follow the links below or click through to find all books referenced in this post over on bookshop.org. And here’s your friendly reminder that these are affiliate links.)

The Myth of the American Dream: Reflections on Affluence, Autonomy, Safety, and Power
D.L. Mayfield is my new favorite voice on all things social justice, faith, and politics. Her voice is strong, clear, and convicting. Basically, she writes how I wish I could. So thankful for her words on these issues.

Expecting Wonder: The Transformative Experience of Becoming a Mother
This was such a delightful read. Full disclaimer: Brittany Bergman is a dear friend of mine and I was privileged to know about this book when it was a seed her in imagination. If you follow me on Instagram you saw me spam you about this book for a good two weeks before it released. This is a lovely and comforting read about motherhood and my new go-to gift for new moms.

Unfollow: A Journey from Hatred to Hope
Holy man. Talk about voices I’m thankful for. Megan Phelps-Roper details her deep familial connection to Westboro Baptist Church and detailed what it looked like for her to leave. I could not put this down. This book is smart, compassionate, and nuanced…which is especially amazing when the church she left is anything but.

The Water Dancer
This book felt like it was about 150-200 pages too long for me. I was so drawn into the first half of the story but the rest was a major slog. Still, Ta-Nehisi Coates is a thoughtful storyteller, and you could feel the pang of family separation and slavery in his words. I’ll admit, I prefer Coates’ nonfiction works, though this book would have worked for me if it had only been shorter.

Minor Dramas and Other Catastrophies
Meh. Didn’t love it. The satire fell flat for me. I was hoping for a good, lighthearted read but ended up feeling mostly annoyed with this book.

Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America
I wasn’t swept away by this book, but I do think it’s an important read. I was particularly fascinated by Nerfertiti Austin’s deep dive into the history of adoption within the Black community. I think this book would have been better served if I’d read it with a book club of moms, where we could talk each chapter through.

Here For It; Or, How to Save Your Soul in America: Essays
HERE FOR IT. Easily one of my top five reads of the year. R. Eric Thomas is a national treasure.

Notes from a Young Black Chef: A Memoir
I could not stop reading this book. If you’re interested in cooking, if you consider yourself at all a foodie, if you love Top Chef, if you’re interested in race in America, if you’re interested in the stories of immigrants, or if, like me, you’re all of the above, then Kwame Onwuachi has the book for you. His life story, his descriptions, his youth, all drew me right in. This was one of the best memoirs I’ve read in a while.

To Kill a Mockingbird
A classic for a reason. I don’t think I’ve read this since ninth grade. I adore Scout. And Atticus. That is all.

The Grapes of Wrath
This book. People. It was harrowing. I wasn’t sure if I liked it but then I realized I could not. stop. thinking about it. Like so much so that I had trouble sleeping the four or five days it took me to read it. It was brutal. I’m not sure I can ever read it again that’s how intense it was. But also I want to take a literature class and discuss everything and write a 20-page paper about all the Biblical symbolism. Just. Wow.

Between the World and Me
Here we go. This is Ta-Nehisi Coates at his very best. This will go down as an American classic. Or maybe it has already.

The Vanishing Half
I wasn’t as jazzed about this book as everyone else seems to be. I don’t know why. I’ve even tried to list it out. Here: Things I Liked: the descriptions, the storyline (multigenerational family dramas tend to be my jam), the exploration of race, the exploration of race in the context of family. Things I Didn’t Like: …it felt hard to care about any of the characters? I guess? That’s the best I can put my finger on it. Also (*****SPOILER ALERT*****) why was Jude with a trans black man? I just…that part didn’t make much sense. I guess because they were both outsiders in a way? That storyline just never really followed through for me. I don’t know. If you have thoughts on this book let me know because mine are CLEARLY muddled.

The Book of Longings
This was such a lovely read. Just lovely. Despite everyone around me giving it rave reviews, I was skeptical. I love history (so much so that it was my minor in college) and historical fiction often falls…flat to me. Especially when incorporating real, live actual people. (One of the reasons I’m so hesitant to read Rodham.) So a woman married to Jesus? But Susan Monk Kidd dared. And it was beautiful. If I have any critique at all (and this is a possible spoiler so read with caution), it’s that I wished she spent more time with Jesus. I get from a writer’s standpoint why the choice was made to have them spend so much time apart, but still would have loved to see them interact more together.

RE-READS: Born a Crime, The Lager Queen of Minnesota

WATCHED
Immigration Nation
Oof. This is so hard to watch. I’m really forcing myself because exposing ICE and the treatment of immigrants in our country is so important. We were alerted to this documentary series by this episode from The Daily. Basically as soon as Tyson heard that Trump was against this documentary, he turned to me and said, “We have to watch this.” It’s gut-wrenching, powerful, and incriminating. I do. not. know how anyone could watch this and continue to support the Trump administration.

Into the Unknown
Almost a year after its release and I will still sing the praises of Frozen 2 (and the entire soundtrack) to anyone who will listen. So this docu-series on the making of Frozen 2? ALL THE PRAISE HANDS. Did Tyson and I watch this and then immediately watch Frozen 2 by ourselves, without children, on our next date night in? Oh yes, yes we did. No regrets.

Indian Matchmaker
We watched this. We liked it enough. It was interesting and prompted some interesting conversations between Tyson and me. However, I found these reads particularly insightful as they dove into what was left out or ignored: see this piece from the New York Times and this piece from No Borders.

The Babysitter’s Club
People, I was in The Babysitter’s Club Club when I was in fourth and fifth grade. I received a box each month with 2-3 books and other Babysitter’s Club paraphernalia in the mail. It was fantastic. I related to every single one of those girls. Now reliving my preteen years vicariously through this new series, which manages the perfect balance between my old nostalgia and 2020. LOVE. And Brooklyn absolutely adored watching it with me.

LISTENED
Nice White Parents
On building better schools. On the things that prevent doing us from doing so. (Hint: it’s the title.) On advocating for our own kids at the expense of others. On offering help to a community in a way they never asked for. This podcast mini-series is a must-listen for all us nice white parents out there.

The Bible Binge
I adore Knox and Jamie on The Popcast but somehow never got into The Bible Binge when it first launched. Well, that changed with the launch of their Favored or Forsaken series. It’s thoughtful. It’s nuanced. It’s hilarious. It’s the absolute best. If you like to have your thoughts provoked about faith-related things while also laughing your head off then this is 1000% for you.

Home Cooking
Samin Nosrat is a DELIGHT. I often listen while I’m cooking dinner. Give me all of Hrishi’s puns + Samin’s laugh.

On Figuring Things Out Again. We've Got This.

On March 12th, my kids tumbled off the school bus for spring break. I don’t have any photos from that day. I looked, but only found a collection of screenshots on my phone. An article I texted to my parents where I’d underlined the part urging people over the age of 60 to stay away from restaurants, movie theaters, and other public places. A meme I remember texting to a friend that reads “Today I completed a chore I’ve put off for six months. It took 15 minutes. I will learn nothing from this.” (Hi, who can relate?)  Another article announcing that Tom Hanks and his wife had been diagnosed with COVID-19. I don’t have a record of what we wore or what we ate that day, but I do remember the gut-level feeling I had in the pit of my stomach, a feeling that knew already what would be confirmed by our school district in the coming weeks: they wouldn’t return to school to finish out the year.

I have plenty of photos for the rest of March. Most are of the kids around our house, sitting at the kitchen table for schoolwork, playing in the living room, running around the backyard in the unseasonably warm spring weather. 

We figured it out. Spring Break was extended a week and then distance learning kicked in. The kitchen table became our schoolroom. We learned how to use Seesaw and my first quarantine purchase was a new printer so we could print pages of worksheets. We did math problems on the sidewalk using chalk. YouTube yoga videos in the living room became gym class. We journaled about distance learning for literacy and planted seeds and called it science.

March feels like a lifetime ago. At the same time, it feels impossible to find ourselves in September. So much has changed in seven months. It’s time for us to figure things out again. 

I’ve been reading through emails to learn all over what elementary school will look like. We did this just last year, as my twins began Kindergarten. We learned a new school and a new routine, a new teacher and how to eat lunch in the cafeteria, how to ride the bus and how to find their classroom. This year those routines have been upended. This year I’ll be driving and picking them up from a different door, they’ll have a different classroom, they’ll be wearing masks, they’ll be sitting distanced from their friends in the cafeteria. Virtually everything we learned about their school a year ago has changed. Three days a week they’ll be learning from home. As I write this on September 7th, we don’t yet know what distance learning looks like, except that it will be very different from our routine last spring. We have desks and iPads and crayons and pencils at the ready.

Read the rest over on the Twin Cities Mom Collective.

Life Lately

It kind of feels like the rest of the country has gone back to school while we’re stuck in some sort of cruel eternal summer. It began on March 13th with the first day of Spring Break and won’t end until September 14th, when Nolan goes back to preschool, and September 15th, when Caden and Brooklyn do. So actually that makes this the longest spring break ever? Either way, I’m out.

The end of August is always a beast. The five of us are over each other. The activities have all ended. It’s too hot. Except this year there never were any activities, it’s still too hot, and we’re extra over each other. The kids were doing remarkably well this summer with listening and helping and playing together. Then, a couple week ago, we hit a wall. Hard. We hit a similar wall at the end of May/early June after a few months of distance learning and no activities and a stay-at-home order, when all novelty of this so-called “novel” coronavirus wore off and we were all. over. it. So. I guess we were due for another one.

We did receive some long-awaited school information this week. Caden and Brooklyn will be attending a hybrid schedule that has them distance learning Monday-Wednesday and attending in-person on Thursdays and Fridays. Nolan, miracle of miracles, has few enough kids enrolled in his preschool class that he will be attending his regularly scheduled Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I could walk you through the week I spent of agonized debate over whether to commit to hybrid or pull them out for full distance learning, but I’ll spare you the anxiety. It’s nothing you don’t already know. If you’re a parent of young children, you’ve had this same debate yourself. Suffice to say, we felt this was the least shitty of shitty options for the time being. (Side note: we also have the ability to opt-in to full distance learning at any time, so if we ever feel truly unsafe we have that as our back-up option.)

All I know is that every parent, even once they’ve made their decisions, even for my friends who’ve already sent (or “sent”) kids back to school, are still agonizing over their decisions. Whether distance, hybrid, in-person, or homeschooling, every parent I know is still asking themselves if they’ve made the right choice. The only ones I know who are confident in their decisions were either already homeschoolers or have kids who are immunocompromised, making the choice of staying home obvious.

Despite the amount of brain space it’s been taking up in my head, school still feels like this bizarre far-off ghost of an idea. Here in MN, we’ve got a few weeks to go. We don’t yet have supply lists or official distance learning schedules. The pool is out and we’re wearing swimsuits and eating ice cream while it lasts. Walls and all.

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Take Action

My heart is breaking for Kenosha. I feel like our summer has been bookended by police violence: first with George Floyd and now with Jacob Blake.

I subscribed to the Anti-Racism Daily newsletter by Nicole Cardoza last month. Each day includes education and action items covering a different topic related to racism in the US (and around the world). I highly recommend signing up. There is also an option to receive a Saturday-only newsletter which highlights the topics discussed all week.

I’ve appreciated the way this newsletter has grown my awareness, activism, and education around these issues. This week, I highly recommend looking at the issue dedicated to Jacob Blake and taking some of the action steps listed.

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Around the Internet

• How QAnon has infiltrated the corners of the Internet I frequent. Corners that to a certain extent felt safe.

• The most playful layout and fascinating read on sweatpants and the collapse of the fashion industry.

• On sourdough and what it means now.

• On being a mother and how “America just can’t really be bothered".

• A beautiful essay on the first day of school.

• And this is the biggest laugh I’ve had all week.

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Eating

Ugh it’s hot and I don’t want to cook or eat anything, said everyone everywhere in August. Still. We have to eat. Here’s what keeps popping up on my table:

• Not exactly summery, but this chickpea tikka masala has been on repeat. The sauce is everything.

• These chicken kabobs. Wrapped up in a pita with yogurt. So good.

• And while I think frying fish is kind of a pain, these fish tacos are 100% worth it. (Please just fry your fish, throw them in some good corn tortillas, and pull out your store-bought slaw and pico and call it good.)

• Also continuing our Friday night tradition of takeout, including our new favorite Mexican spot. Queso FTW.

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Fun Things

Have you heard that the house dress is back? This might be the best thing to come out of 2020. I’ve been living in this tank one and this midi tee one.

Nolan got this Mario LEGO set and I am stan-ing it hard. It combines two of his favorite things (LEGOs + Mario) and is so well-designed. You need to download an app for the building instructions, which at first had me all, “Seriously? Can we not do anything without technology?” but then I ate my words. Nolan usually has the technical ability to build LEGO sets but not the attention span. It’s like dredging the bottom of the ocean to get him to do the next thing. It’s constant prompting. “What piece do you need next? How many? Okay, where does it go? Are you sure? Okay. Turn the page. Now what do you need?” etc. on repeat forever. The digital instructions + videos were so well done and engaging and he was zero percent distracted by the fact that they were on a tablet. I did nothing but sit there and watch in amazement. The Mario figure itself is ingenious. Everything is so meticulously well-designed and thought out. 10/10 highly recommend.

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I’m currently typing this as the kids…I don’t know. There’s lots of (happy) yelling and running and banging going on. We tried going outside but it’s too hot (like immediately-break-into-a-fine-layer-of-sweat-when-you-step-outside kind of hot) so that didn’t last long. I couldn’t stand their noise so I walked upstairs. They’re not exactly being naughty, just….we’ve hit that wall. They’re loud. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t know what they’re doing. As long as no one is bleeding or on fire or standing over me saying “Mommy” on repeat, I just. don’t. care. This is called self-preservation. Am now wondering what would happen if I simply…didn’t emerge again. Until tomorrow morning. Except for the fact that I’m hungry. (On the menu tonight: BLTs , watermelon, and chips because: hot and summer and also EASY.)

September is coming, and while I have no illusions that it will be easier in any sense of the word, (besides in the wardrobe department because we could all use some cozy sweaters up in here), a new routine will probably shake us all up for the better. At the very least, I’ll have an entire 2.75 hours to myself every single week, and while that sounds pitiful, that’s also more time than I’ve had since March 13th. God bless us, every one.

When the Rest Falls Away

Rest. What a thing to try to find right now. With no school. No childcare. With three kids who are very much here—in a way they haven’t been for a year or two now. With chores and tasks and to-dos piling up, one on top of another. With a pandemic. With my sleep either coming in a blackout sort of way, hard and heavy and without dreams—or in a restless way, with worries and imaginings intermingling all night, resembling anything but rest.

There are only pockets of rest left. Little pieces in the day that often aren’t very consistent. Though I try to make them be with routines and rhythms sprinkled throughout the day. But that brings me back to those children. Rest isn’t found in long stretches or in the ways I’d like to find it: through pedicures and lengthy brunches with friends, with kids off on overnights with grandparents, consistent date nights, by doing literally anything at all without the threat of an actual global crisis lingering over my head. The heaviness so often seems to win. Until it doesn’t. Until I remember there is something uplifting in my morning cup of coffee, in sunshine, in the kids’ uncontrollable giggles. As Glennon Doyle writes in her book Carry On, Warrior:

“You have been offered ‘the gift of crisis’…the Greek root of the word crisis is ‘to sift’, as in, to shake out the excesses and leave only what's important. That's what crises do. They shake things up until we are forced to hold on to only what matters most. The rest falls away.”

When so much else has fallen away, here are the things, the pockets of rest, I’ve been holding onto.

Giggles at breakfast time.

Iced coffee shaken up with heavy cream and vanilla syrup.

Morning bike rides when everything feels fresh and new.

Quiet (or, more often, “quiet”) reading time.

Walking laps around the park while the kids play.

Sitting and sipping more coffee while he figures out a new LEGO set.

Tacos for lunch is its own kind of spiritual ministry.

Sitting here with the window open every afternoon from 12:30-2:00. And every Saturday morning for as long as I need.

When she asks to do a virtual baking class. So we do.

Folding laundry. I know. I kind of love it. It feels calming and therapeutic. * insert shrug emoji here *

Reading on the front porch.

Or lounging on the deck.

That light while I water the plants in the evening.

And clay facemasks FTW.

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in this series "Rest -- A Photo Essay".